How to not be a "Nice Guy"
TLDR: Don’t do anything for a woman until she does something of equal or greater value for you first.
To not be a “nice guy,” you must understand the difference between genuine niceness and “nice guy” niceness. Genuine niceness is when you do things for a person out of gratitude because they did something to deserve it. “Nice guy” niceness is when you do things for a person they do not deserve because you want something from them. “Nice guy” niceness is dishonest, unfair, emotional, and manipulative. Women love genuine niceness, they hate nice guy niceness.
It is hard to not be a nice guy. Humans evolved a powerful urge engage in reciprocal transactions with people they care about. When we like somebody, we naturally want to do things for them, and then we want them to do things for us in return. The problem is that women take longer to emotionally invest than men do, so men often end up doing things for women that don’t give a fuck about them yet. To make matters worse, the more we do something for somebody, the more we emotionally invest in them because we expect them to do things for us in return. And when they don’t pay us back for our niceness, we get angry at them and our self-esteem takes a hit because we feel like we got played.
Only Do Things When She Deserves It
The key to being genuinely nice is to only do things for her after she has done something to deserve it. This rule goes for anything you do for her: complimenting her, paying her attention, texting her, waiting on her, running an errand for her, etc… If she has not brought you a drink yet, do not buy her a drink first. If you are texting her long messages, and she is responding with short, unenthusiastic replies, stop texting her. If you are making the conversation fun and interesting, and she is disinterested and looking around, stop talking to her. Your time, attention, and energy are valuable, and she is only entitled to those things if she has done something to deserve it.
Sometimes women deserve things just for being a human being. You should extend some courtesies to everybody, whether or not you had romantic interest in them. For example, if you walk into a party you should introduce yourself to everybody there just because, as a human being, they are entitled to the dignity and honor of being acknowledged. But after you acknowledge them, you have no obligation to engage in a long conversation with them unless they are being interesting and fun and showing interest in you. But beware - the class of favors that women are entitled to just because they exist is tiny – almost any effort you put in for a woman must be justified by something she has done for you.
Just being hot does not mean the woman deserves much from you. If a woman put a bunch of time and effort into her makeup or outfit, it is appropriate to compliment her on those things, but that is all she deserves. Anything further requires additional work from her. So for example, if I see a beautiful woman at a bar I might go up to her and say “you look amazing, I love your hair/outfit/whatever, but is your personality as attractive as your looks?” This now puts the onus on her to do something to demonstrate that she is entitled to more of my attention. If she doesn’t, then I walk away. And sometimes women don’t want my attention – and that’s fine too, but that’s even more reason to wait until a woman asks for it before you give it.
On the flipside, when a woman does things for her, you should reciprocate. If a woman keeps doing things for you and you keep ignoring her or brushing her off she will move on and find a guy who gives a shit about her. Women want to feel accepted, and they gain this feeling of acceptance by doing things for people, which is why you doing things for her she does not deserve does not make her feel accepted. But be careful - you must only pay her back in proportion to what she deserves. If a woman does something small for you and you do something huge in return, she will go back to seeing you as a goob.
Have Boundaries and Learn to Say “No”
To be attractive, a man must pursue an attractive mission, which means he needs boundaries. If a man has no boundaries, any schlub can distract him from mission. For example, if you are training for the Olympics and a woman asks you to come party with her all night and eat dinner at McDonald’s the night before your gold metal match, you would say “no” because your mission is valuable and you cannot sacrifice it just because some woman wants to party. You must always protect your time and attention as if you had the most important mission in the world. Even if you work at McDonald’s, you must protect your boundaries as if you were training for the Olympics. Even if your mission is not particularly exciting or important, the woman must FEEL like it is.
Your mission(s) encompass your entire life, so your career, hobbies, and your fun are all your mission. If you work all week and then go out on a Friday night to party and a woman expects you to take care of her because she got too drunk or is being dramatic, then she is violating your boundaries because she is interfering with your ability to pursue your mission of having fun after a long week of work. Women should be a net positive to your emotional experience, so you can only do things that detract from your mission only if she has already made up for it by doings for you that help your mission. For example, if a woman who has never done anything for you has a flat tire, you have no obligation to go out and fix her flat tire. But if that woman has given you lots of rides in her car, and she gets a flat tire, you should help her fix her flat tire. Even though fixing her flat tire sucks, you still have derived more fun from her than you lost in changing her tire.
This is harder than it sounds. Women have a powerful urge to “test” men by asking for more than they deserve because they want to see how strong the man’s boundaries are. The stronger his boundaries, the more fun his emotional experience is and the more successful he is likely to be in pursuing his mission. This means that on a weird, deep subconscious level women WANT you to say no when they try to violate your boundaries. Again, if a woman can get a guy to do whatever she wants she will subconsciously feel like his life and mission are not that important or fun.
Stop Seeing Women as Damsels in Distress
A lot of men are “nice guys” because social conditioning has caused to deeply internalize the idea and feeling that women are somehow weak and “need” men to do things for them. This is horseshit. Women are not weak. Women can do anything men can do. They don’t need you to buy them a drink, or fix their car, or be their emotional tampon, or any of that shit. Women are physically weaker than men and they have different emotional needs than men, but neither of those things mean that they need you to do undeserved favors for them.
Alternatively, many men have been taught that it is “chivalrous” to do a bunch of shit for women they do not deserve. Again, this is horseshit. There is no unwritten law in the Bible or nature that says that men should do things for women they do not deserve. There is no rule that says you need to entertain a woman, buy her things, or kiss her ass to make her like you. In fact, if a woman only likes you after you do that shit, that means she probably doesn’t really like you.
If anything, the idea of chivalry came about because women are overly self-sacrificing for men. When a woman likes a man, she often feels a powerful urge to go out of her way to do things for the man he does not deserve, and if somebody does not stop her she can ruin her whole life for a man who does not give a shit about her. The idea of chivalry is a social construction designed to “force” women to only be with men who reciprocate their affection. Women were taught to not pursue men who were not chivalrous because a man who does not reciprocate her favors did not give a fuck about her.
Why Not Be a Nice Guy?
Sometimes guys ask me “what is so bad about being nice to women? I enjoy doing things for women, why can’t I just do what I enjoy?” The answer is 1) being a nice guy is bad for your mental health and self-esteem and 2) it doesn’t make women like you.
Here is why: humans evolved to view social groups as hierarchies with each person in the group having a rank which determines their status. The higher your status in the group, the less likely you will be rejected from the group and the more likely you will be able to share in the resources of the group. People who view themselves as lower-status evolved to seek acceptance from the group by doing things for the high-status people. Therefore, in any relationship the person that does things for the other person FIRST will be subconsciously categorized as low-status by their own subconscious mind and the subconscious mind of the person they are trying to impress. In other words, the more you act like a “nice guy” the more you are training your subconscious mind to feel like it is inferior and needs to do things for others for their attention and validation.
Women are not attracted to men who do things for them they do not deserve because they subconsciously categorize those men as “beneath” them. And women do not want men who are beneath them – they want men who are above them. Women want to do things for a man they are attracted to FIRST. Women want the challenge of gaining acceptance from a high status man, not the burden of accepting a lower-status man who has been begging for acceptance.
This is why we emotionally invest in somebody after we do something for them. When we do something for somebody first, our mind subconsciously categorizes that person as “above” us and feels like we need their validation to be “accepted.” And if they do not accept us, we feel angry, betrayed, and rejected because our subconscious mind feels like the “tribe” has rejected our offerings. For example, if you buy a woman a drink at a bar and she just takes the drink and walks away from you, you will be extremely angry even though she technically does not owe you anything. By buying her a drink you (slightly) emotionally invested in her and now you are angry that she is not paying you back.
Because humans evolved to view relationships as reciprocal transactions, women are actually turned off and even scared by guys who do things for them, because they subconsciously know that the guy is only doing that thing because he wants something. When a man does something for a woman she does not deserve, she feels like she owes a debt to the man and he is bound to come to collect at some point. For this reason, the moment you do something for a woman she does not deserve she often will take the thing and then leave because she does not want to be around when you come to collect. I have seen many women show interest in a man and then suddenly run away after he buys them a drink. The act of buying her a drink put her in debt, and women do not like the feeling of pressure that comes along with that debt.
If you are ever wondering if you are being a nice guy, ask yourself this: “Why am I doing this? Am I doing this because she did something to deserve it, or because I want something from her?” If you are doing something for her, ask yourself “if I bought her this drink and she immediately left me and went and fucked some other guy, would I be upset?” If the answer is “yes” you are being a “nice guy” because you are not doing the thing for her out of gratitude but because you want something from her. You can also ask yourself “would this woman ever do this for me?” Or you can ask “Would I be doing this if she wasn’t a hot woman”?
The rules for not being a nice guy are conceptually simple: don’t do things she does not deserve. The challenge is controlling your emotions when you feel that powerful urge to do shit she does not deserve.
